How I longed to be somewhere peaceful today like my old pumpkin patch.Growing up with my grandmother she gave me a love of growing things.My grandfather and her had this huge garden where they grew everything from beans to zinnias.Occasionally my grandmother would find things growing in her compost pile from old fruit she threw in there like cantaloupes and she would nurture them to blue ribbon prize fruit.

Every year I would grow pumpkins and I think I had a pumpkin patch every year until eight years ago.I tried to grow them here the first year but “hoods “don’t seem to like pumpkins..I mean if you were growing “weed “I am sure that stuff would spring up like wild flowers,but forget the pumpkins.

When my pumpkins were the size of large baseballs I would go across the street to the local Pharmacy and buy hypodermic needles.In those days no one questioned a 14 year old girl buying a dozen needles.Today you wouldn’t get near them hahaha:) Then I would carefully pull one out of its package and fill it with milk.Every week I would inject the stems with milk making them grow bigger.To this day I don’t know if it worked but my grandmother swore by it.

In the fall I would have about two dozen large pumpkins and we would haul some to the church and make a fall display.Sometimes some of the local boys would run off with one of them and I would run down the street after them yelling if I caught them they would get a pinch of my hypodermic needle that I always seemed to carry around in the garden.I think I could have been considered a pumpkin mad scientist

Well ,its midnight now and I shall watch a bit of Cash in the Attic on TV,if it’s not a repeat :).For some of you who asked if I got a new cart,yes I did.
They don’t make them with sturdy wheels anymore but the new one will do.I put the other one out on the street as I felt it still had some life for someone.Within 30 minutes I had a a neighbour banging on the door asking if someone had stolen my red cart as it was out on the corner.I lied and said no ,it wasnt my cart hahaha.Its amazing how I am related to this damn cart :)Thank god the new one is red too
Within one hour that sucker was gone.Hope it has a good home
linda seccaspina copyright 2008

This is not a high end district,in fact its very poor.It borders on the high tech area called Emeryville so I imagine that’s why they are selling and the developers justify their price.The back view isn’t bad catching a brief view of maybe The Bay and warehouse after warehouse but the street views are not pretty and its neighbour is a busy Mc Donald’s.I heard one working girl passing by hoping the new tenants would provide more business.Good Luck ladies!

Of course it made me think of something that happened to me about 9 years ago.When you’re old brief daily hints just trigger that nostalgia I tell you

I went to visit a friend in Knoxville Tenn and in those days when I traveled even for even a weekend I would bring enough clothes to dress the state.I mean I never owned a pair of jeans until I moved here.I had two rooms of clothes 43 pairs of shoes and 67 Victoria’s Secret bras.Today I scratch my head wondering why I needed all those bras..I mean there is only so many things you can do with them

So back to the visit…I was taken to the lovely tourist town of Gatlinsburg.It is a wonderful shopping area for crafts etc and pretty darn close to Dollywood.Hmm I wonder how many bras Dolly Parton owns.:).I had on black dress pants,red blazer and a black mini bra top under fishnet top.I mean you couldn’t see the goods but you could see bare skin.I walked into a local drugstore and these four women took one look at me and got down on their knees praying for me.I guess I looked like THEIR version of my San Pablo Street girls :)Well, I got a little miffed with them after all this was fashion ,so I decided to bother them a bit.I asked the counter lady Very loudly if I could have some sex gum that was displayed behind the counter.She knew it was a joke,but those ladies didn’t and the praying got louder and louder.I turned around very quickly and said very loudly..
“Ladies,one can buy a gun at the age of 16 in Tenn and buy and play with fireworks 24/7 but you just can’t wear fishnet in Tennessee.The whole place just roared and the ladies kept on praying for my fishnet covered soul.

As for the dashboard Jesus title,I found a plastic Jesus on a spring this week still neatly laying in his box.He is called DASHBOARD JESUS and he will provide you as described on the box ” enlightenment on a spring”.I am quite mesmerized with him and maybe I should have had a hat on that day in Tenn with Dashboard Jesus neatly sitting on top of my head..That would have confused them

ADDICTIONS R US
Why do we tune in to our favourite TV programs every week and some how get suckered in hook line and sinker?
I have gotten hooked to this insidious TV show on the Game Show Channel.Oh my god…. I have just realized its Thursday night and it will be on in two hours.My heart is racing already
I decided to take it up with the San Francisco Chronicle’s TV Editor and see what he had to say which you will see below..

I don’t care who you are.You are addicted to something and anyone who says different is lying through their teeth

I have been addicted to weight loss for the last 46 years.I don’t think I really thought about it until the age of 9.I think it started when I was young with Mum in the hospital and Grammy Knight feeding my hurt insides with Amish style feeding frenzies..If you didn’t have anything in your mouth she would stick something in it.By Age 11 I had gained so much weight I could have been in the Butterball ad during holiday time.Every weekend,visiting my mother in the hospital she would nag me to stop eating.After she died I turned from the Butterball into the Chrysler building.

So Dad sent us to the grandparents in Seattle where step grandmother number 11 tried to turn the whole summer into fat camp.I wasn’t happy with that and ran off to San Francisco and living on the streets and in Buena Vista Park lopped off about 30-40 pounds.I came home that September and became a gasp…cheerleader I was so thin.Well Grammy Knights mocha cakes made the cheerleader outfit a tad small,so I waddled around like Eric Cartman from South Park for a few year until I discovered THE DISEASE.

I caught a nasty case of strep throat living in Montreal at age 15 by myself.As I noticed the weight coming off as I kept dragging myself around for almost two months until one day I got on the bus and collapsed at Grammy Knights doorstep.She put me into bed straight away and called the doctor and I don’t recall much for the next 7 days except when I got up and weighed myself I had lost a total of 40 pounds in two months.My grandmother was horrified when she saw me dancing around with my jeans falling off me. I was overrrrrrrrrrrr the moon

So for the next 20 years I gained weight…. I lost weight.I was ultra thin or I was a helium balloon. Until one fateful day I discovered a supposedly magic cure..Bulimia.I became bulimic when I was pregnant with my oldest son Schuyleur.I actually lost 25 pounds being pregnant.After the birth I finally coughed up the weight loss reason to my obstetrician.She was horrified until I told her it was a learning experience for her and she would know next time why someone was losing weight during her pregnancy.After all in the 80’s bulimia was a closet disease.So she told me she could get me into an eating disorder clinic if I wanted. But,because I had a store and everyone knew me I negged it and found a private therapist. Every Wednesday I would pay this doofus 65.00 to make me cry.One day out of the blue he told me if I didn’t have sex with him he would report me to the Children’s Aids Society for having my children grow up in an abusive situation.

Next day I called my doctor and she got me right into the Civic Eating Disorder Clinic where I became their poster child. She also told me there was nothing they could to this guy as he was a private therapist and he already had many complaints filed but like I said ther was not a thing they could do.Its almost like not putting up a stop sign until a kid gets run over.

So, back to being the poster child.Because I was well known they thought I should go on TV and tell my story so others might be helped.I think I was on for months.I was being more of a spokesperson than being helped.I was also given the drug PHENFEN. Put that one in your pocket and smoke it.

So not being helped much I had one thing left I hadn’t tried..EXERCISE.I walked into the local health club one day weighing more than Kirstie Alley. Three times a week I went and met many many people that had eating disorders..It was almost like a club.I have been told if you want to bond with anorexics and bulimics join a damn health club.Soon I met a kindred spirit named Pat.We became so close that if she had been a man I would have married her.If I was the Queen of diets she was THE MASTER.She immediately told me solids were out of the question.
“Linda,liquids liquids liquids..” she said.
I dropped a boxcar of weight on Pats diet.I soon became a certified aerobics instructor.I was flying down the highway to thin hell. Because I wasn’t a Bambi bodied aerobics instructor the women in my club enjoyed my classes.I LOVED teaching and if I didn’t have torn cartilage in my knee I would still be teaching.

Word got around that I had good classes and a local Power Club asked me to teach also.Power clubs are full of very thin people that drink lots of Gatorade.:) The first class I taught ,because I wasn’t thin I had 14 out of 80 people walk out of my class because I wasn’t body perfect.I didn’t let that discourage me and pretty soon no one was walking out of my classes and I actually had people come up to me and apologize to me for walking out.That was kind of cool.

I will never be thin.I worry about my oldest son being too thin and his regimental exercise regimes.I sigh when I hear my youngest son complain about his appearance as he looks terrific..I wonder when all this SIZE 0 started and why ????I no longer hide behind elaborate clothes to mask my body. I am me and you get what you see.

So back to the TV show..here is the letter below. So enjoy and god damn HUG AN ADDICTION TODAY !
lINDA

Dear Tim!
Love the column.I have one question to ask such an expert such as yourself.
Perhaps ,you can tell me if some of these networks have any special hypnotic powers in their airwaves? Like maybe NBC did with the show Joey? ??

We are seemingly educated people who hope to still have enough power going up to the old gray matter even though it’s flicikering with age. We will also admit to fanatical secret indulges such as BBC’S CASH IN THE ATTIC or the old reuns of TO TELL TRUTH. (In that case we really are gunning to see if Dorothy Kilgallen makes it through the show without muttering something silly in a drunken stupor).:)

However, GSN (Game Show Network) has fairly recently introduced show a called PLAYMANIA from 10 pm to 12 am on Thursday to Saturday. We accidently tuned in one fateful evening and laughed our heads off at the seemingly idiocy of the show. Somehow, the next day we found ourselves watching it for well over 30 minutes and the next night were frantically trying to learn how to text message ‘answers for money” hahaha on the old cell phone. We must admit we still found the host Mel a POSH SPICE look alike annoying. Last Thursday night we immediately tuned in at 10 pm without even thinking AND caught ourseleves repeating the catch phrase “MEL You,ve got mail” everytime she received a fan email during the show.

So, my question to you is “What exactly does GSN have in their air waves to get us hooked like crackheads on this show?

Respectfully yours,
Linda

LINDA SECCASPINA COPYRIGHT 2008

At approximately 230 am last night a large flashlight was pointed in my face while I was fast asleep.It was flea fighter son number 1 (age 21 I might add) with a look of terror on his face.”Mom,I have been in here 10 minutes shining this flashlight on ny white socks and I have found two fleas”.Apparently the white socks were used as bait and displayed whatever he thought was a flea in fine form on the white colour.’I can’t sleep upstairs,there are fleas everywhere.” I strongly and silently disagreed with this as we have gone through this many times with bats and spiders.Each time, he comes downstairs to his old room where I sleep and makes me find another bed so he can sleep in his old bed.His room ,which was once the servants quarters still holds his childhood.Bobble heads,beanie babies,hockey posters,and two small pocket mirrors taped to one of his shelves across from his bed,so he could look in the tiny mirrors to see if the boogeyman was coming in his room.

So I relinguished my bed and crawled off into the top floor TV room that has 20 ft high ceilings and wall to wall windows that I could watch the heat lightening flash across the sky.I fell asleep stuck to the leather couch in the heat and in the morning I had to pry myself off of it.

Sky woke up around 9 and started..”Mom I dont think anyone realizes how serious this is.No one will own up to the grave problem we have here.”
I shot him a look that said ,how could I take anyone seriously that was going to walk around all day in the heat in long jogging pants with white socks pulled up over the pants almost to the knees and white shoes.Mind you the white shoes were very soft leather fashionable ones from Aldo.But still,no dice kid.

He cleaned his room for the upteenth time in 24 hours.He vacumed, he sprayed,he vacumed again,and then more spray.To appease him I vacumed everywhere and then he followed me and sprayed.In this house thats a big job and I was sweating like a dog.Around noon I went to the grocery store and stopped at Canadian Tire and asked ,well no…begged Carolyn (his GF) to come for lunch so I could have 60 minutes of peace.So I made a big caesar salad,some sandwiches and had some peace for an hour.

After lunch he yelled information down the stairs everytime he thought he had new information about fleas on the web.Anyone who has been sick and looked up things on the web knows for a fact that you can scare yourself for life with some of those facts.So far,not one flea had been found.Oh yes, and Romeo is not allowed to come up to his floor anymore,and his brother was read the riot act.

After dinner,he quizzed me about where I was going to sleep tonight and if he could have shotgun rights to his old bed.He tried to lure me by saying that he knows how much I love his room and his bed and I could sleep there.Not for ONE minute did I think I would ever get that bed,not one minute.I knew he had all the sheets off and had sprayed it so many times I would get toxic brain freeze.I told him it was okay,and I would find somewhere else to sleep knowing there was no way in heck I was going to sleep on the leather couch again.There is Berts Room (former owners son from the 20’s) as we call it.Its in the original part of the house (built in 1867) and rumour has it that years and years ago Bert never came out of that room for 20 years.NO one sleeps in that room.Can’t sleep in the old nursery as many many fake Christmas trees are in there.Perry;s old bedroom is out too as its about 100 degrees in there and then there is the question of many fishermen rods and reels and car amps in there.So I will sleep on the couch in the kids wing where they have a common area.I’m not fussy,its comfy.

Thirty minutes ago,Sky came down the stairs dressed in white tshirt tucked into white printed Pj pants.White socks pulled up to his ankles,large flashlight and cell phone.I told him I had had a discussion wiht his father that evening and suggested that maybe for his birthday on Sunday he should get him a gift certificate to ORKINS who specilaizes in pest control.I told Sky that and he said no,maybe a tall plastic tent that zips up.I said “oh those nice gauzey nettting things” He said,”No mom I saw on DATELINE that that attracts spiders and I cant have that”.With that he wrapped himself up in two sheets much like a mummy with a giant flashlight in one hand and cell phone on the other .Maybe I will actually get some sleep tonight.

I knew it was going to be a bad day when trauma fated my favourite wild ducks in the neighbourhood.There is a dozen of the gorgeous creatures that swim in a huge mud puddle pond in front of Shoppers Drug Mart.They prance,they dance and they journey across the busy highway in a long line everyday.I pondered how they got across safely each day. When the cashier at Shoppers sees them cross she frets and talks loudly in her Canadian accent ( yes the accent is coming across clearly to me now) to anyone who is in line that will listen.

“Oh no did you see those ducks eh? “How are they going to get across the road eh?” That’s ‘aboot” the 40th truck that has almost hit them”.I swear if she could leave the counter she would go out and holler at them eh?

So last night,as I was leaving the parking lot at Shoppers I noticed some feathers in the middle of the road.Hmm seagull? furry feathered friend?” NO there was a big pair of web feet stuck high up in the air high above a big pile of feathers..gee,how sad eh? One of them bit the pavement.One less to go to Florida, and one less in the mud pond.

So at about 9 pm last night Perry all cut up on his arms and looking grim.He was off roading again with the Hummer.He seemed fine ,abit annoyed as well I would be too.

Ar around 230 am this morning,another large 6 ft 4 shadow lurks my room and wakes me up.”Mom,Mom have you got any tweezers?” Yes let me check my pajamas pockets..NOT!!!
He shows me his hand that is swollen up very badly to half way past his wrist.Seems he got some bramble and thorns in there and its causing some sort of infection.I look for Benadryl,which like Advil is non existent in this house as people are not allowed to get sick here and that’s the law.By this point he cant move his hand and the swelling is worse.I said” Lets go to the hospital”.Now its not a long journey mind you,about two blocks down the street.But I have to get dressed,haul the car out and not wake up the dogs who will go crazy if anyone is up.Hordes of drunken teenagers coming home from The Riverside Jam,falling all over the place and I just want to pull up to them and yell SOBRIETY CHECK..

We get there in a second and a half and we are buzzed in.Its like a ghost town,no one there,and one lone lady at the desk.She eyes us with irritation that we disturb her reading and asks us whats wrong.I show him his hand and she asks if he has taken Benadryl.With the hand swollen up like a soft ball I want to scream at her that we are beyond that at this point.Perry of course has lost his health card and his hospital card.Being in the land of free health care she asks if he has ever been here before..I want to laugh and say “Yes actually he has been here so much as a child the doctors said they were going to name a wing after him”.So again being in the land of “get all the health care you want for free”,she types in his name in the computer which pops up immediately and of course being very Canadian doesn’t task for any ID.We don’t lock our doors here nor do we ask for ID for ANY occasion.That’s Canada Eh?

She tells him to come into the emergency section and I hear Larry King interviewing Kathy Griffin on the waiting room TV.Oh MY GOD this is the episode I missed!!!!Being a HUGE Kathy Griffin fan I was so upset missing it so I tell him to go by himself in there as he is after all 20.I sit down in the waiting room and figure if I have to be up at 3am I might as well enjoy myself.I dont want to seem callous but I have been through every disease and injury of the week with this son,so I know I can watch Kathy Griffin and he will pull through.

Thiry minutes later a doctors in scrubs walks by me half asleep hardly being able to open his eyes.They have to call someone to come in here,as there is no one that actually works in the emergency room after 1 am.There is only the lone nurse that tells everyone to go home and take an Advil.He looks at me with one eye open and bangs into the door frame.Yes my son will get good care here.

Ten minutes later the Larry King interview almost over thank god,Perry comes out with a prescription and has been given medicine for the infection.He is told the thorn is in deep and not to take it out.Larry King interview over ,we leave,and drive down the two blocks home. I leave the father a note with prescription thanking God he was okay.You can never stop worrying about your sons how old they are..ever..

No one locks their doors,and when I go to the grocery store I dont even lock my car.People are so friendly that the other day when I couldnt find my car in the parking lot an abled gent offered to help me find it.Of course he was probably mesmorized that I had all my teeth and I wasnt trailing 13 crying children around.

A disadvantage of living here is you are supposed to know whats going on around town.If there is a fire you get in your car and follow the volonteer fire department to its destination.Every week in the local 12 page newspaper you find out who in town was arrested ,married or screwing around.

So there is major road work going on,on the Main Street.I did not know this,and I dont know why as I go to the grocery store at least twice a day.I swear its like feeding baby birds in a nest every darn day at this house.I had to go to the post office to mail three boxes of stuff back to California.Post office rates here are very expensive and it cost me $96.42 for them.I was kind of upset as money is not really growing on my tree lately,so I got in the car and was thinking about money and not about driving.Instead of backing up I assumed I could just make a tiny turn and go.Well I drove forward and the car went up in the air over a tall curb with the WORST scraping noise you ever heard.It was just gut wrenching and I thought I had damaged the car.Well I had to get it off the curb so I put it in reverse.Same awful scraping noise as I backed off of it and I thought for sure the front fender was gone.

This is a spanking brand new car,I swear they makes these new cars way too low.Backing out of the front driveway three weeks ago I didnt know Ange had shut half of the heavy black wrought iron gate five minutes prior.I backed up to drive out and ran smack dab into the gate.There is a tiny tiny black mark where I hit it,but my oldest son keeps looking at me every day and says ” Mom whats this?”, as he pretends to drive a car backwards and makes screeching and banging sounds.

So here I am ,car finally off the tall curb and my heart is pounding.I fear the worst.I get out and dont see a darn mark.I look under the car and dont see shreds of metal or leaks and I almost pass out with happiness.
I just do not want to go through another incident with this family.So I think to myself,how can I cover my derriere?Should I not say anything? Hmm.. thought about that one for awhile and said no I am honest and what if something happens after I am gone and I get this 7 am phone call about the car.Okay,I think and I think..
I’ve got it!! I think back to a Seinfeld episode where George and Elaine damaged Jerry’s car.NO, saying a pack of wild teens attacked the car wont do here as they are all so stoned here they cant move fast enough to attack anything.

Okay Ive got it.
Sky and Ange come home and I say.”Boy,you;d think these yahoos would put a construction sign at the bottom of Rochester Street here.I got up to the top of that street and the whole street is ripped apart.I couldnt turn around as there were cars behind me so I was forced to go over those large exposed curbs.I hope it didnt do any damage to the car.Ange said” Yeah its a big mess and they should have a sign there” I smiled to myself and gave myself a high five in my head.
ONE FOR THE LINSTER !!!!